The Pain of Impatience

The process of self-mastery or self-awareness doesn't prevent problems, cycle repetition, the arguments we have with ourselves, or the struggles that come with being in a human form. What it does do is give you the power to work through those things when they show up. Life has a harder time throwing you off balance. You're more centered within yourself. You have an anchor point within yourself that you're able to stay connected to regardless of what's going on. When the cycle is shown to you it's easier to break and move on from because you're not stuck in the fear of what happens next.

I love days when I get clarity around cycles and patterns in my own life because those are the days that allow me to start creating change, to figure out what the truth is, and to understand myself and my own patterns better. I've gotten over the fear of the self-discovery process so I don't argue when the clarity shows up; I actually get excited about it instead.

In spiritual circles we love to talk about getting okay with the journey. But what does that actually mean? The analogy we use is the idea of being on a long car ride and not wishing we were already there. I'm not where I'm heading yet, but I'm okay with that. How does that look in a practical reality? How do we do that with our goals and dreams instead of just on long car rides?

The first job is to get okay with the mode of transportation. There is nothing worse than a long car ride if you hate driving. There's nothing worse than an airplane ride when you're terrified to fly. The first step is to pick a mode of transportation you're okay with; make a plan you can deal with.

For the last bit my problem has been making plans I can actually deal with. I had wild expectations of myself. It's unrealistic to write 2000 word blogs every single day. That lasts all of 2 days and then I can't do it anymore. So what's a plan that I can stick to? For the most part, I've stuck to a weekly blog here with very few exceptions. Weekly blogs are a mode of transportation that I like. I enjoy that process and I can handle it. So that's what I'm going to stick to. Then comes the next piece of the puzzle; not arguing with the length of the journey.

We can't argue with the 12-hour car ride or the plane ride with the 7-hour layover somewhere. We have to accept that those things are part of travelling. If we argue with them then we're miserable the whole way or we never go on the trip to start with.

If I make a plan I like then I can be stable in the plan and I don't have to argue with it. I don't question how long it's going to take me to get to where I want to go. I just go on the journey because I enjoy the journey. The rest is gravy; it's the thing that happens because you're willing to go on the journey.

You will get there; that's the thing that happens when you get on the plane. You get to your destination eventually. If you don't grumble about it then you can actually enjoy that process. That's what allows you to do more travelling and go on more trips; suddenly you enjoy the process of travelling.

The biggest lie I've told myself in my life is that I didn't have control over anything. It didn't matter what I did or didn't do it would never work out anyway. That's caused me immeasurable pain and struggle in my life. That lie has shown up in my work, in my relationships, and in my day-to-day life with even the simplest of tasks. It's obvious in how I've come to terms with my work as a writer, content creator, and coach. I let go of schedules and routines because I got to a place where I decided it was futile. If I was meant to get there then it would just happen, what I was doing or not doing made no difference. I've always negated my own power and this lie was no exception.

I get tangled up in the powerlessness all the time because it winds its way in there, sometimes without me catching it right away. I've been slowly unwinding this tangled web in my career over the last few years. It's been a long road. As I've gained different levels of awareness, you've watched me shift and share what I learned along the way.

Often what you soon watch me do is back off of whatever it was I said. I stop. That's me arguing with it. Sometimes I can gain the clarity and course correct quickly and many other times I just get annoyed, give up, and walk away. I negate my own power and I decide it's futile or not worth the effort. Nobody is paying attention anyway, right? This is what playing cat and mouse with your power looks like I guess.

Even in all that, I have a level of self-awareness that keeps me from getting knocked over completely. I don't beat myself up. I just allow the cycles to run until I figure them out. Yep, I get annoyed sometimes. It's far from a perfect system. There are other times when I look at my tarot cards and wonder why they didn't just tell me that thing. The truth is they probably did, I just wasn't ready to see it yet.

Getting okay with a slow and steady journey has been a difficult path for me. I'm the most patient teacher on the planet. In my own life with certain things like building an online career, I'm as patient as a hungry toddler. Notice how far that got me. It didn't really solve the problem did it?

My impatience caused pain. I got frustrated with the journey. I no longer enjoyed the travelling part of the trip. I just wanted to get there. Wanting to get there didn't stop me from getting started, it stopped me from being able to be patient and deal with the long trip. I'd start just fine and turn around an hour later. That's the pain of impatience.

The process of self-mastery didn't prevent any of this from happening. I still have to go on the journey, find all of these pieces of myself, accept them all, and then do the work to shift the behaviors they created. I've learned how to do that process very well and very easily. Just the process of writing this blog will do most of that work for me. The challenge now is having enough awareness to not get tied back up in it. That's the fun part. Can I catch it if I slide back into it again?

That's where awareness does help. It gives me the possibility of being able to have enough awareness of myself that I don't slide back into old patterns. Of course, like with anything in human form, it's far from a perfect system. Mistakes will happen. I may very well slide back down the hill again. I'm okay if I do that. I don't have a hammer. I don't beat myself up. I accept that the journey of being human is not one of perfection. It's one of trial and error. If I go around again that's okay. I'll make it work for myself and I'll share it with you when I do.

Do you like travelling? Are you okay with the journey? Where does impatience show up in your life? Can you get okay with the idea of just moving slowly in the right direction?

If you see yourself in this blog, it might not hurt to do your own reflection on these questions and see what you find. The answers may surprise you.

Love to all.

Della