My Argument With It

I've reached an interesting point in my journey that I want to share with you. I didn't make my usual Tuesday post to this blog this week because life has been busy and I just simply didn't get there.

When I started my tarot business a few years ago (that's what this started out as), it was with the same intention I always had, to make a profit and be my version of financially successfully. Honestly I've always wanted a 7-figure business, I just never knew how to get there.

My healing journey has taken me on a path of getting okay within myself while shifting my relationship with money and stability or instability so that there was no anxiety, stress, or fear in the relationship. Mission accomplished, but there's an interesting side effect to that; courses, private sessions, and coaching are no longer appealing to me. They feel like I would be going backward. Even the idea of creating products to put in a shop feels quite unappealing to me. I don't want to do that stuff anymore. The only part of it that I'm still interested in is writing books and that's what I'm doing in the background.

I'll be honest that I'm writing in bits to gain clarity along the way. I'm deleting things as I write about them and sort through them. Here are the gates I've come through so far. First, I had to realize that I didn't want to be the "typical" content creator that shares their lives and has a secondary message in the background. I want to stick to writing and I'm not interested in sharing all kinds of extra crap. That was the first hurdle. The second hurdle was that maybe I needed to separate my writing from my business. Maybe my business just needed to be something completely different so that my writing would just be for own my personal journey and not have anything to do with my career. I got past that as well.

Those things brought me to an awareness of a tug-of-war that's playing out between wanting a 7-figure business and wanting to just write the way I am right now. I don't want to change what I'm doing and I want a 7-figure business out of it. I guess somehow I've talked myself into the idea that I can't get there from here; that this current iteration of my work will not allow me to achieve any monetary goals at all, no matter how big or small they are.

I gave up on having a business that makes money in some ways. It was kind of an unintended consequence of the fact that all the healing was done through my career and my attempts to create a successful business. I dropped the goal of creating a successful business in favor of being a content creator but there is still part of me that wants to have some financial independence. It's making me hang onto the financial goals I've had in place for a long time. I've just stopped believing I can get there. I'm arguing with the idea that I will probably make less than $20 a month for the rest of my life because that's what I've convinced myself will happen if I don't change the current model. The rub is that I don't want to change the current model and I'm not okay with making less than $20 a month forever either. Now what?

The pain is in the underlying belief that I can't get there using the current model. Convincing myself of that was a protection mechanism when I made the decision to move to content creation. It was the only way I could make the decision and protect myself from what I expected would be a disappointing result. Funny how this works, I got exactly what I was trying to protect myself from. What a surprise! Not really.

That little loop brings me back to the original decision to move to content creation. I have to remove the pain from the decision so that I can keep going. Externally it requires no change at all. Internally it requires me to do a little bit of balancing of the masculine and the feminine. The masculine has the income goals. That's the part that wants the 7-figure business. That's the part that wants financial independence. The feminine just wants to write. She's completely intuitive. She's totally happy just creating randomly whenever she feels like it. There is no pressure to do anything at all when I tune into the feminine side of me. Those two need to learn to get along better it seems! :)

I can't conform to the old ways anymore. I have to work intuitively. It has to just flow from me freely. If I try to do anything else there is pain involved because it's frustrating and I don't like it. I can't make myself do much of anything anymore quite frankly. A focus on making money causes me to argue with this idea partially because I don't see how I can make money doing what I'm doing, Patreon or not, and partially because I haven't been down this path before so I don't know what's up ahead. Half the fun of going around the same loop for years on end was that I always knew the outcome - it will fail. I haven't been here before so I can't say for sure it will fail. I also can't say for sure it'll work. So, I just have to go with it and get okay with the journey. Do you see what arguing with outcomes does, by the way? This is why I encourage you to not go here and do this to yourself. There's a reason for that. It doesn't work and you can see that very clearly in what I'm saying here.

The masculine wants to keep working on the practical solutions that it knows because the masculine is very tied to the 3D reality. The feminine doesn't give a crap about any of it. "Just let me write and explore freely!" Well, her wish is my command. Who am I to argue with my intuition? It's never ended well when I have before, so I'm not going to try to do so now. We're going with this and I ain't changing a damn thing.

Care to play along?

Insert shameless Patreon plug here.

Love to all.

Della